Just a thought or TWO...

SO on this Monday I have found myself a bit perplexed...Why? Well, lately I think I have so many thoughts and emotions running that I cannnot cath up or even really put them into words.... All I know is I am Frustrated and Sad. I really don't even know where to begin except at this point in time I wish I had a fortune teller and her magic crystal ball to give me the answers and the guidence one kinda needs to get through her days..... I work ALOT, not that I am complaining but this is something I really didn't think I would do nor do I really want to do... although I am SO Grateful for my job and all it does for me I do however see that my kids are not getting the needed or wanted attention they SO deserve from their mother.... the truth is by the time I get home I just want to hide or go to my room and sit down.... I think all the stess of being the only bread winner in this CRAZY situation I am in is really getting to me.... I am SO disappointed in my actions and in me as a person in general lately that I need to REALLY contemplate the reality and what is REALLY worth???? Skyler was hugging on me and looked up at me and said" Mommy, can you PLEASE stop working so much and be home for me when I get home from school, because I just miss you and hate coming home without you here".... um ya I felt REAL good after that one.... I realized that for all these years when i was so lucky to be home and their for my kiddos no matter what that they NOTICED me and loved me being there for them..... I no longer get to go to school programs, help out in class, go on field trips, or just sit back and watch them come out of school after a long day..... I instead get to say" i am sorry your sick but you have to go to school, or I can't help at class, or What am I supposed to do when I have to work.... I know there are millions of women out there that have to make the very same sacrifices as me and even more just to provide but THIS is not what I agreed to and I am SOOOOOO mad that i could just scream!!!! For the past several months I just want to leave and go it alone ( with kiddos of course) but how will i survive? Scott and I are like oil and vinegar no matter how hard you try to mix them they don't make a good sauce... why does he have to be so dishonest and hurt me and better yet WHY do I alow him too? I guess some would say I am weak and others well- I know but won't comment... The sadest part is our kiddos can read him like a book and always say to me " MOM, why does dad never tell the truth and always say one thing and do the opposite, but you always keep your word".... how do you tell your children to listen with their ears and with their hearts but make good choices and you will be happy... as parents we are here to teach our children and I feel like no matter what I teach I have to make an apology at the same time.... I know it wrong to talk about someone when they cannot defend themself but with this I have had to learn a VERY Valuable lesson.... Trust is earned and not always Deserved..... I will ALWAYS do what I can to teach my children this and be a good example at the same time because I truely believe that they will learn this and now the importance of the meaning.... I hope my children also know that I will always be honest with them and never lie to them. Another thing I tell my kiddos is that Liars Never Prosper..... I am so against lying and it hurts my heart and my soul when i try to always believe in someone but yet get hurt at the same time..... This I feel is why I have become so hard and sassy at times..... I came across this quote tonight and thought it was so Perfect for me, i love to laugh and be happy and more important I love to watch my kiddos be creative and find their TRUE character come out- I think my favorite time of day is when we are all laughing and being silly..." Laughter is.. Sunshine in the heart and wings on the soul"..... LOVE IT:) Happy Monday and with this I wish Tuesday even better, and if not- Laugh a little no matter what and you too might for a moment have a happy heart......